January 2004

01.30.04 at 11:32 Pacific - Inspired by boredom and Lynda's friend Greg, I made a Giant Battle Monster called The Pope's Hangnail and kicked ass Vatican-style on the first try.

Try and defeat me. Just try it, sucker. No one can stand against the might of The Pope's Hangnail! NO ONE!!! Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

The Pope's Hangnail

is a Giant Lizard that breathes Ice Vapour, can Leap Great Distances, has a Metal Jaw, and looks like a Man in a Rubber Suit.

Strength: 8 Agility: 5 Intelligence: 4

To see if your Giant Battle Monster can
defeat The Pope's Hangnail, enter your name and choose an attack:

fights The Pope's Hangnail using

Current Mood - Tokyo stomping.
Currently Listening To - Blue Oyster Cult, "Godzilla".

01.28.04 at 09:23 Pacific - At the park where I usually take my morning walk it's normal to pass people walking their dogs.

I love dogs, and usually the feeling is mutual. They know that I'm a sucker who will scratch behind their ears for as long as they want me to, and let them lick my face. Normally a dog will wag his tail for everything he's worth and strain at his leash just to get to me.

Yesterday morning though I was passing a guy walking his black lab, and the dog just froze about five feet away from me, let out a weak little scared "woof", then backpedaled up the trail about fifteen feet and cowered. The poor guy literally had to drag the dog past me while I stood still. He was all apologetic and said it had never happened before.

Weird. The only thing I've ever seen like it is in horror movies, when a dog sees the vampire or mummy or whatnot for what it really is and freaks out. Maybe I should lay off listening to Dimmu Borgir and clean all the ritually slaughtered hooker parts out of my freezer.

Current Mood - Like I'm in some wierd version of Romeo and Juliette with vampires and werewolves.
Currently Listening To - Bloodhag, "George Orwell ".

01.27.04 at 18:26 Pacific - This is supercool. A comparison of Catallus's "Adeste, hendecasyllabi, quot estis" and Bukowski's "to the whore who took my poems". Amazingly, Catallus is the one who comes off sounding more like a mean, drunken bastard.

Current Mood - I'd hate to be you if I were me.
Currently Listening To - Steve Earle, "Devil's Right Hand".

01.25.04 at 18:19 Pacific - Maybe the White House will stop bitching about the poor press coverage the State of the Union got now that Get Your War On has tackled it.

Current Mood - Laughing my ass off.
Currently Listening To - Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty, "You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly".

01.23.04 at 20:30 Pacific - Ho-lee dogshit! Rumsfeld now wants to attack Hezbollah in Lebanon. What the fuck? He won't be satisfied until every radical Muslim in the world is trying to kill us. I guess he thinks if he can convince John Q. Monstertruck that Saddam and bin Laden were working together, he can surely convince him that Hezbollah and Al Qaeda are tight, right?

"Hell, they's all ragheads. They must be workin' together -- ain't that right Thelma Jeanne?"

Seriously though, is this the initial planning stages of "Operation Glorious War Just In Time For the Election"? I'm not fucking kidding.

Current Mood - Sell the house, sell the car, sell the kids, find someone else, forget it, I'm never coming back.
Currently Listening To - Steeleye Span, "Galtee Farmer".

01.23.04 at 16:46 Pacific - Coffee ground from beans collected from Civet Cat turds. I ask you, what the fuck isn't an aphrodisiac in Asia?

Current Mood - Put off me coffee for a few days.
Currently Listening To - The White Stripes, "Death Letter".

01.23.04 at 09:17 Pacific - This is beautiful. The American Family Association, a "traditional family values" organization -- sort of in the same way that the Nazis were a "traditional family values" organization -- placed a poll on its website to gauge public opinion on gay marriage. They then planned to present the unscientific results to Congress, but their plans have now changed because, according to AFA Oberstspokesfuhrer Buddy Smith, "homosexual activists around the country have done their number on it (the poll)."

As of this posting the poll shows 60.21% favoring legalization of homosexual marriage, 31.91% against legalization of homosexual marriage and civil unions, and 7.89% for civil unions with the full benefits of marriage except for the name.

So get thee to the poll and declare your "gay activist" status today, otherwise when the Gay - Red - Secular Humanist cabal takes over you'll end up in their concentration camps.

Current Mood - Queer as a three dollar bill... in solidarity of course... how about them Seahawks?
Currently Listening To - The Weather Girls, "It's Rainin' Men".

01.22.04 at 15:42 Pacific - Better get used to the Chinese calendar since they're going to be our -- (WARNING: The following link contains hilarious sexually explicit lesbian slash fiction) -- time-travelling, UFO driving, cattle mutilating overlords. So HAPPY YEAR OF THE MONKEY, assholes!!!

Current Mood - Deng Xiaopingtastic.
Currently Listening To - Queen, "Tie Your Mother Down".

01.19.04 at 20:13 Pacific - Maybe I just like seeing large corporations crawl because I'm an evil little fuck, but it should be a standard rule now for EVERYBODY that has any past hand holding with Adolph Hitler and the Nazis should immediately say something like this --

"We very deeply regret any past association of our organization with Adolph Hitler. We realize that views may have been different in the past but anybody who didn't see Hitler for what he was in 1938 was probably deranged and/or evil. We are really, REALLY sorry that anybody like that worked for our company. Truly. To prove it, we are giving a very large check to the Simon Wiesenthal Center. Please forgive us."

-- instead of something like this --

"Thank you for your email of 2nd September and for the link to your website. While I personally do appreciate the spirit in which you sent it to me, as a representative of IPC Media I am concerned to prevent the unauthorised reproduction of IPC's material, whenever it was originally published. This piece, text and photographs is still in copyright and any unauthorised reproduction is an infringement of copyright. In the circumstances I must request you to remove this article from your website. Sorry that I had to take this stance, but am sure you will appreciate the legal situation."

In May of 2003, Simon Waldman, Director of Digital Publishing for Guardian Newspapers found an old Homes and Gardens magazine from 1938 with a gushing article featuring Hitler's Bavarian estate. Being a blogger, Waldman had to scan it and put it up on his website. Who wouldn't? Then, being curious, he emailed the editor of Homes and Gardens. The latter statement above is the reply that he received.

After Home and Gardens tried to brush the whole thing under the rug, predictably, the shit hit the fan.

You can read the whole story ( including scans and a transcript of the article) at Simon Waldman's website here.

Current Mood - Hitleriffic.
Currently Listening To - Diamanda Galas and John Paul Jones, "Devil's Rodeo".

01.18.04 at 15:36 Pacific - Yep! Saw me a Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus once... Made a sound I wouldn't care to hear twice in my life.

Current Mood - Close encountered.
Currently Listening To - doo dee doo dah doo ...

01.15.04 at 10:19 Pacific - Bush Outlines Plan for Next Generation of " Bigger, Meaner, More Badder Ass" Mars Rovers

Wed Jan 15,12:31 PM ET

By BUCK NEKKID, AP Science Writer

WASHINGTON - President Bush (news - web sites), envisioning "a four year mission to where no man or robot has gone before," unveiled a plan Wednesday to send a new generation of "bigger, meaner, more badder ass" robotic rovers to Mars on missions sure to cost hundreds of billions of dollars and get him reelected.

The President did not provide details on how much the undertaking would cost, but hinted that the technological breakthroughs produced by the marriage of fighting robot and monster truck technology could well jump start the nation's troubled economy.

"I'm thinking something with really big tires and a buzz-saw on the front," the President said in a brief press conference in the White House Rose Garden. "That way it could chop up any other rovers launched by members of the Axis of Evil-doers, or just crush them under its gargantuan tires".

The President's plan also will call for a new naming scheme for future NASA (news - web sites) vehicles and missions to better support the his poll ratings.

"What's up with all these wussy names like 'Pioneer' and 'Spirit'?" the President asked, " When the Russians or French get a load of a robot with 'Gravedigger' or 'Bigfoot' painted on the side -- maybe with some cool airbrushed flames or a 'Don't Mess With Texas' bumpersticker -- buddy, they'll know we mean business."

The president is expected to formally announce the new space policy during a 3 p.m. EST (2000 GMT) speech at NASA Headquarters in Washington, D.C. The event will be broadcast on NASA TV and webcast by SPACE.com .

Current Mood - Space monkeyed.
Currently Listening To - David Bowie & Brian Eno, "Warszawa".

01.14.04 at 08:18 Pacific - To quote Tom Hanks in the role of Professor Goldthwait Higginson Dorr, PhD "We must all have waffles, forthwith."

What does that have to do with what I'm about to say? Nothing really, other than that the greatest accent in the world is that genteel, aristocratic Southern accent which Hanks does a passable job of adopting for this role. Mind you, not as good as Dennis Quaid in the role of Doc Holliday, nor Val Kilmer in the same role in a different film.

Hanks does not even approach the pinnacle of cinematic portrayals of this accent, which is Paul Hipp playing Joe Odom in "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". Hipp's accent in that film is nothing less beautiful than the turd of a small dog -- something like a chihuahua or pomeranian -- resting on the forehead of God Almighty, unbeknownst to Him, while He is sitting on His Golden Throne going about the daily business of ordering tides and volcanoes and plagues of locust and whatnot, and all the Seraphim and Cherubim and even the lowly Principalities in the Third Heavenly Choir are snickering into the sleeves of their silky white robes.

I ask you, good people. If we can have Talk Like a Pirate Day why can we not have Talk Like a Southern Gentleman Day?

We must indeed all have waffles, forthwith.

Current Mood - Gentrified.
Currently Listening To - My man Jupiter mixing me up a mint julep.

01.13.04 at 09:44 Pacific - Exercise is usually its own reward, but my morning constitutional yielded an extra reward today. I made a quick stop at the Vietnamese grocery store on the way home for a couple of things. Lunch today will consist of stir-fried udon noodles with scallions, red peppers, carrots, my secret stir-fry sauce, and one metric butt ton of delicious and most importantly-- FREE -- oyster mushrooms, while watching the chop socky cinema classic, The Bride With White Hair.

Current Mood - Mycological.
Currently Listening To - The workman outside hammering on something.

01.12.04 at 11:18 Pacific - Sorry for the lack of posting lately but Dean Wormer put me on double secret probation for threatening to wage a guerilla war against the government. Actually I've just been very lazy and playing with my new DVD recorder/player, and there are cheesy martial arts movies to be watched.

So forgive me if I only present you with... <chicka-pow!> SLUG PORN!!! </chicka-pow!>

Current Mood - Dirty.
Currently Listening To - Slug Porn soundtrack.

01.06.04 at 09:44 Pacific - Welcome to 2004. Let's see what we've got so far --

Fimbulwinter, the beginning of the end of the world according to Norse mythology has set in here. I can't wait until Skoll the Wolf devours the sun, and his brother Hati eats the moon, plunging the world into darkness. I'll make Jiffy Pop, you bring the beer.

The Labor Department, while heralding the new laws increasing overtime pay are giving out handy tips to employers on how to avoid paying overtime. One of the tips is to cut the employees salary and ad projected overtime pay to that so it equals what they're making now. Damn it all sir, if the help will not do as you say why not just bend them over the grease trap and subject them to a goode olde fashioned buggering. Teach those filthy proles a lesson. They'll be begging to work overtime for free.

In what I'm predicting will be a brave new trend, a woman in Cleveland, Ohio claims to have lost the winning lottery ticket in the $ 162 million Mega Millions game, and is threatening to sue anyone who comes forward to claim the money. According to police the woman was able to write down the winning numbers without hesitation when asked to. Wait, I'm sure I'm just saying this because she's black and I'm a racist.

Sperm counts are down. Possible factors involved could be drug use, alcohol, smoking or obesity. My money is on obesity. Do you ever get the feeling that Earth has one of those things stuck in it that let you know when the turkey is done, and that sucker is just about to pop? Hopefully our alien overlord cultivators will slaughter us in a merciful manner when they decide we're all fat enough.

If Howard Dean keeps getting endorsements like this, Chimp Boy is going to keep his News Year's resolution of being "el Jefe" for another four years. I think there's a vast right wing conspiracy at work to get Dean the nomination. I can't explain it otherwise. It's not like the RNC is scared enough of someone like Wes Clark to quote the Village Voice in their *ahem* "white paper" on him.

It's bad enough that Bush might win again, he is after all a human cum stain and an insult not only to anyone who has ever worked a day in their lives, but to anyone who has merely picked up the want ads and looked for a job. In a society with any decent system of ethics he would have been left on a hillside as a baby to be eaten by wolves and bears.

If I have to deal with that AND be reduced to voting for a schmuck like Dean I'm going to go insane and take to the Cascades with my army of Montagnard tribesmen who worship me like a god and will follow every order, no matter how ridiculous.

We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig, cow after cow, village after village, army after army. And they call me an assasin. What do you call it when the assasins accuse the assasin ? They lie.. they lie and we have to be merciful for those who lie. Those nabobs. I hate them. How I hate them...

The horror... the horror...

Now I'm just going to sit here and wait for the Secret Service to ring my doorbell.

Current Mood - Numb.
Currently Listening To - Snow falling.

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