March 2004

03.29.04 at 08:25 Pacific - The "Brief Safe" is an innovative new diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling.

Basically this is a pair of tighty-whitey briefs with a fake skidmark stain. The theory is "who would look for money in a pair of shit-stained underwear?" Yeah, but who wants to leave shit-stained underwear sitting around their hotel room? When I'm travelling I figure my money is a little safer in my front pocket. The possibility of getting stabbed is probably a bigger deterent than touching gross underwear. Plus, I'd like to be able to look the maid in the eye with some fucking dignity.

Next up, the fake doggy-doo safe. Jeez.

Current Mood - Retching and laughing, retching and laughing.
Currently Listening To - nothing.

03.26.04 at 09:15 Pacific - Mark Monday, May 10 on your calendars, people. That's the day that popular sea f00d chain and porn star, Long John Silver's, will be giving America FREE GIANT SHRIMP to celebrate the finding of the "past presence of 'a body of gently flowing saltwater' on Mars" by NASA's Mars Rover.

In a congratulatory letter to NASA Administrator Sean O'Keefe, Long John Silver's President Steve Davis stated that "This is one small step for man, and one giant leap for Giant Shrimp."

Well, I should hope so. They are GIANT shrimp after all. It's not like they'd be taking tiny, mincing steps. That's no way to crush a Japanese Self Defense Force tank.

So remember folks, just take yourself to your local Long John Silver's on Monday, May 10 between the hours of 2 and 5 PM...

Wait... Monday from 2 to 5? That's a weekday. Everybody is at work. And you only get ONE giant shrimp?!! And look at that picture. That shrimp isn't even close to giant. I mean it's big, sure. But giant? I don't think so.

This really pisses me off.

America! Wake up! Long John Silver's is trying to gyp you out of your well-deserved, tax-payer subsidized giant shrimp! Burn down Long John Silver's! Viva la revolucion! Hasta la camarón gigante siempre!!!

Current Mood - Full of rage and hungry for shrimp.
Currently Listening To - Gary Jules, "Mad World".

03.24.04 at 16:18 Pacific - Did I ever tell you about the time I busted out of prison in Uzbekistan using a fake AK-47 fashioned from my own spit and feces? Man... Good times...

Current Mood - Light headed from blood loss.
Currently Listening To - PJ Harvey, "50 Foot Queenie".

03.22.04 at 11:38 Pacific - Not only Allah, but Darwin wants you to wear hijab. Now get in the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich, woman!

Current Mood - Sleep deprived.
Currently Listening To - Nick Cave, "Red Right Hand".

03.21.04 at 18:58 Pacific - Holy shit! That is one big goddamn roly poly (or doodlebug, or whatever other damn foreign name you call them in your heathen regional dialect).

I never knew that roly polys were not insects, but rather tiny little land shrimp. If I wasn't so damn creeped out, I'd wonder if they're good steamed and served with cocktail sauce?

I'm still on the fence about eating shrimp and shellfish. They don't really have brains or anything like. They're kind of like cockroaches and I have no qualms against smashing the shit out of a roach, so why should I care about eating an oyster. But there are weird things like geoducks, which give me pause. Somehow, it just seems wrong to eat something that is left alone can live over a century. Plus the "good-eatins" part looks like a big uncircumsized penis, and no offense to anybody out there, but I just ain't wired that way.

Current Mood - Hungry.
Currently Listening To - Cab City Combo, "Big Umbrella".

03.20.04 at 12:37 Pacific - Prince of Peace provokes Fists of Fury! Jeebus Fuckin' Christ, people.

Current Mood - Shoot me.
Currently Listening To - Buckwheat Zydeco, "Hey Joe".

03.16.04 at 09:58 Pacific - I will, no doubt, suffer pangs of guilt about using the recent tragedy in Madrid as an excuse to make a cheap joke, but guess what Rwanda and the Solomon Islands? Your asses are next!

Current Mood - It's the headache talking, not me.
Currently Listening To - Fats Waller, "Tiger Rag".

03.10.04 at 21:17 Pacific - I just got spammed by Don Wildmon's American Family Association (AFA). What da? Who da? How the fuck did I get on those fucking assholes' list? They pointed me to a poll about the election, asking who I'm going to vote for. Maybe they're trying to unscientifically gauge the opposition? Who knows?

Since I didn't want to take their crappy poll I decided to just look around. Besides the predictable hissy fit they're having over Gay Anarchists running wild in the streets, or some damn thing, apparently they need my help to ban "the F word."

What the hell? I was pretty sure the FCC already bans radio and television broadcasts from using "profanity". A quick google revealed that a Denver radio station got fined in 2001 for playing an edited version of "The Real Slim Shady." I also seem to remember Howard Stern's ass was always getting fined too.

So I checked out the bill in the AFA article, H. R. 3687 which amends U.S. Code TITLE 18, PART I, CHAPTER 71, Sec. 1464 --

Whoever utters any obscene, indecent, or profane language by means of radio communication shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.


As used in this section, the term `profane', used with respect to language, includes the words `shit', `piss', `fuck', `cunt', `asshole', and the phrases `cock sucker', `mother fucker', and `ass hole', compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms).'.

So, what? They want to codify Carlin's seven dirty words? The craziest part is the last bit about compound words. Does this mean you could get fined for saying "mother hole" or even "mother" plus any other word, because that seems to be what it is saying? Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

Who the fuck is this Congressman Doug Ose of California, and why is his office incapable of writing a fucking bill?

UPDATE as of 03.10.04 at 21:39 Pacific - I had to call my wife about this since she writes bills and crap like that. The key to the compound word bit is that it specifies words and phrases. You'd have to use the whole phrase, not just part of it for it to be 'profane'. I should have read closer. Should have known it wasn't that stupid.

Current Mood - WTF?
Currently Listening To - My damn tinnitus going crazy.

03.10.04 at 16:39 Pacific - I return, uneaten by sharks. Here's the play-by-play with handy links to nautical terms and such.

I caught a decent wind just past the breakwater and was going along at a nice clip out of the harbor. Then just when I decided it's time to come about, the wind died.

Once the wind came back up I headed downwind back to the harbor to just mess about in the lagoon past the docks. My mistake. The lagoon is really shallow except in the channel they dredged out, plus the wind kept cutting out and shifting on me. I spent a lot of time paddling in shallow water until the wind came back up.

Then I caught a good wind and headed back out at a really nice clip. So I'm making my way toward the cove at the park about a mile north of the harbor entrance. I figure I can beach the boat and eat my freakin' sandwich. That's the problem when you're going along, you don't even consider that the wind can die on you. I'm going through the passage between the shoal and the mouth of the cove when once again, I'm just about to come about and the wind dies. So I end up drifting into the shoal. That sucked, but I saw some cool diving bird action and drifted over a big goddamn starfish when I was in the shallows.

Once the wind came back up I decided I'd had enough and headed back to dock. I learned a few good lessons and the lay of the harbor, and overall had a blast, even with the sucky wind. I've only sailed larger boats before, but I have to say there's nothing quite like racing along in a small boat, leaning out over the windward side to keep from tipping over. It's a rush, Bubba.

Lessons learned:

1) That canoe paddle crap just doesn't quite cut it when there is no wind. I'll have to see if I can figure out a way to install some oarlocks. Have to do some research on that and see if it's do-able.

2) The daggerboard (part # 21) is what keeps your boat from drifting in the direction the wind is blowing toward, and can be pulled up and down or removed from the daggerboard well (part # 34) if you're in really shallow water and don't want to risk it sliding down and catching on the bottom. When it's removed and you're hitting waves just right it makes a nice little oscillating fountain of water that splashes up out of the daggerboard well and into the center of the boat. Therefore, I need a cover for the daggerboard well. Nothing I can't make out of scrap plastic, electrical tape and rope.

3) Do not forget your bailer. Fortunately I didn't get enough water in the boat to really need it, but If I had, bailing with a water bottle would have sucked.

4) If you don't actually back your car down the boat ramp to unload, but instead unload on the grass and walk the boat down to the dock, you don't have to pay the $5.00 launching fee. Sweet! Thanks for the tip, nameless marina worker guy.

Current Mood - Shiver me timbers.
Currently Listening To - The crows outside bitching about something.

03.10.04 at 09:03 Pacific - Yo-ho-ho, bitches! Today is the opening day of sailing season for me. It should get up to 60°, light 10 knot winds, sunny. The boat is all packed on the roofrack and I'm just going to grab something to eat and wait for rush-hour traffic to go down and the temp to go up.

If you never hear from me again I was probably eaten by a Great White or drowned while trying to pee off the side of the boat (supposedly most drowned boaters are found with their fly open).

Current Mood - Arrrhhhhh!!!
Currently Listening To - The idiot box.

03.09.04 at 11:12 Pacific - Nice article at The American Prospect on the Kerry flip-flop thang --

"The dubious cogency of this critique is well captured by the line, "For tax cuts, and against them." Yes, it's true, John Kerry believes that it is right to cut certain taxes under certain circumstances and wrong to cut other taxes under other circumstances. Hard to disagree with that. And is Bush really for cutting all taxes, all the time, no matter what? How does he propose to finance the government? When you run your oil company into the ground, your father's Saudi friends can bail you out, but as an approach to the federal budget this method is somewhat flawed."

Ouch! read the whole thing here.

Current Mood - Likker!!!
Currently Listening To - House of Pain, "Danny Boy".

03.09.04 at 09:39 Pacific -

"Please, my dear brothers, let your wives and sisters go to the voter registration process... Later, you can control who she votes for, but please, let her go."

Hamid Karzai, giving an address to mark International Women's Day, 2004

Here's the problem in Afghanistan as I see it. Given what life was like under the Taliban you just can't go at men who've been used to lordin' it over the womenfolk for two generations this soft-shoe bullshit. They just don't get it. You have to speak in terms they understand. Here's how the speech should have gone.

"Please, my dear brothers, let your wives and sisters go to the voter registration process or I'll have my men from the Ministry of Equal Rights bury you up to your neck in sand and stone you to death."

There you go! Suffrage for everyone!

Current Mood - Candy!!!
Currently Listening To - House of Pain, "Jump Around".

03.08.04 at 13:41 Pacific - Hear that? That's the sound of hundreds of japanime nerds grinding their teeth in frustration --

"Do I get the robotic dragon or the Sailor Moon Real Doll? baQa', Dor-sho-gha!!!"

Yes, folks. Japanese inventor Yoichi Takamoto has invented and started selling a robotic "dragon" called Banryu. Unlike Sony's wussy Aibo robotic dog, Banryu is designed to serve a practical purpose. It can detect changes in its environment -- like an intruder or a fire -- and transmit an alarm to the cell phone of its "master". Plus it's "actually quite scary."

Uh, yeah... right... Maybe if you're the goddamn Hamburgler!

I think I'll hold out until they make a Banryu capable of attacking with a mouth full of jagged teeth swimming in saliva holding 52 different strains of highly septic bacteria. Now that's actually quite scary.

Current Mood - Light headed.
Currently Listening To - Sheryl Crow, "Long Gone Lonesome Blues".

03.08.04 at 11:40 Pacific - Technical Video Rental is a kind of Netflix for "Do It Yourself" nrrds. For $9.99 a week (includes all postage) you can get instructional videos on everything from "Building a Small Steam Engine" to "Oxy-Acetylene Welding".

Actually, I was kind of disappointed at how limited their library is but it looks to be growing.

Current Mood - I feel alright.
Currently Listening To - Lucinda Williams, "Cold, Cold Heart".

03.07.04 at 08:23 Pacific - It's a sad day for America. Mojo Nixon, the white-trash troubadour, the voice of progressive hillbillies and rednecks everywhere, is hangin' up his guitar.

Mojo had this to say -- "I have nothing more to say. Not only am I empty, but obviously nobody gives a rat's ass about the things I have been saying for twenty years. The masses are just as blinded by the light of stupidity, prudery and the shiny objects of hate... I have debased your false icons, mocked the myths and tried to shine the light of truth and freedom on the Big Lies... I have done all I can... Hell, I got a J-O-B. I got nothing new to say, no one cares, the road will kill me. The road will surely kill me. I can do no more."

Way to go America, you fat, stupid fuck. Thanks for driving Mojo into retirement. Why don't you Supersize a buckshot enema and shoot it up you stupid fat ass. Oh wait, I forgot, McDonalds doesn't supersize anymore because they don't want to get sued when your fat ass has a heart attack from stuffing as many of their artery-clogging fries into your festering gob as you can. Hopefully, you'll all be fucking dead before my social security kicks in, because not only do I not want my money going to keep your dumb asses alive, I don't want to have to listen to you whining about that leg you lost to diabetes when we're riding the bus from senior center.

Current Mood - hillbilly.
Currently Listening To - Mojo Nixon, "Are You Drinkin' With Me Jesus?".

03.02.04 at 09:51 Pacific - Ladies and gents, I give you The Lighter Side of The Passion of the Christ --

First up is The Passion of the Christ: Blooper Reel. I'm not sure if these are real but, they are funny as Sheol. My favorite is --

Jesus hangs on the cross, bloodied, in agony.

Take 12

Jesus: Hey! I can see my house from here.


Next is Derek at Nightmare Town with a few pointed remarks about the (duh!) violence in the movie, and recommended reading to bone up on (no pun intended) before seeing it.


The Poor Man has an amusing internal debate over whether or not to hop on down to the googleplex.


The Guardian Unlimited has this list of Aramaic phrases that should come in handy at the theater. Warning: Aramaic pronunciation guide not included, so don't be surprised if you get a 7-Up instead of Sprite.


Finally I was going to point to Bill Bennett's op-ed piece slamming The Passion of the Christ, but can't find the article anymore on Blogdex. It's not that Bennett's piece is really funny. It's just the thought of a bloated douche-bag finger-pointing and pontificating about morality that amuses me.

Current Mood - abderian.
Currently Listening To - Mojo Nixon and Jello Biafra, "Plastic Jesus".

03.02.04 at 10:03 Pacific - Looks like it's the old Haitian Catch-22. Rebel leader Guy Philippe has declared himself "the military chief", but according to Haitian law, there ain't no military. Nevertheless, the new "military chief" is "not interested in politics" and has declared that his non-existent military will follow the orders of the interim President, Supreme Court Chief Justice Boniface Alexandre. The problem there is that Alexandre's succession is supposed to be ratified by the legislature, and due to the current situation, there ain't no legislature.

I'm betting on a puppet President backed up by the military and pretty much representing the will of the French-speaking mulatto elite that makes up one percent of the population and owns half the country's wealth. Plus throw in some drug barons. Hell, it worked in Pakistan, why not in our own backyard.

Current Mood - Bloated and crampy.
Currently Listening To - nothing.

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