April 2003

04.29.03 at 16:08 Pacific - Scientology not a hardcore enough cult for you? Why not try the International Institute of the Juche Idea, turning the world into North Korea one weak-minded fool at a time? I thought we just had to worry about Kim Jong Il's nuclear... *ahem*... noo-kyu-ler weapons, now it turns out he's pushing some qwazy international cult. It just keeps getting better and better.

04.27.03 at 17:04 Pacific - "Down these mean streets one sorry schmuck must go" - My friend Derek has a brand-spank-me-new website, "Nightmare Town", reviewing noir and just-plain-dark film, books, and music. His prose is tight and he makes some really cool recommendations, so check him out.
While I'm pushing Derek like an 8-ball of smack, I should also mention that his better half, Lynda E. Rucker's story, "The Chance Walker", appearing in issue 33 of the The Third Alternative, got a favorable review and "recommended read" nod in the April issue of Locus Magazine. Issue 33 is now available at your finer book and magazine stores - but not for much longer, SO BE DIALIN' PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

04.27.03 at 13:50 Pacific - Actually this may be the cutest damn thing I've ever seen, but I do have a weakness for small ugly animals, and rats in general. You can see here where this handsome guy and many other are available for adoption at The Best Little Rabbit, Rodent & Ferret House in Seattle, WA. If you're a dog person and live somewhere too small for a dog, consider getting a couple of rats. They're easy to care for, sociable, intelligent, and fun to play with. Like any animal though they need love and attention, and have the potential to cost you as much money as a dog or cat in vet bills. The reward is well worth it though.

04.25.03 at 21:17 Pacific - This is about the cutest damn thing I've ever seen.

04.24.03 at 10:46 Pacific - The Last Temptation of Hello Jesus. Brilliant. I swear I didn't steal their Hello Satan to make the amazingly similar Satan's Left Nut mascot.

04.22.03 at 15:25 Pacific - I was going to write out this long, eloquent argument for justifying an aggressive Middle East policy, but finally decided that since we're acting unilaterally, let's just classify camels or sand as WMD's, and say that we will bomb the fuck out of anybody who has alot of sand and camels and makes any sudden movements. We could kick off this policy by launching a nuclear strike against the motion picture, the Scorpion King, which is full of camels and sand - if the first five minutes are any indication, and frankly someone is going to have to pay me back for those five minutes. Fuck it, let's just make it sand, because that way we can nuke the fucking Mormons or Miami if they start getting out of hand.

04.22.03 at 9:47 Pacific - An article at Flak Magazine comparing and contrasting sci-fi convention geeks with rabid baseball fans. I've been to one sci-fi con and one MLB game in my life so far. I'm sure I'll get to the stadium again before I go to another con. Hell, I'd rather get a root canal again before going to another con, but that's probably just got more to do with the fact that the percentage of annoying nerds relative to the total crowd at a ball game is much lower than the percentage of annoying nerds at a con. Still, I'd rather be trapped in an elevator with a bunch of sci-fi geeks than baseball geeks.

04.21.03 at 9:30 Pacific - Okay smartass, if there is a God and the Bible is true, then how come He hasn't done the Sodom and Gamorra Shuffle on our asses yet, when we have shit like Girls and Their Pets on the web? And don't give me that "new covenant" bullshit either! You think Jesus at his shoulder saying "Okay, chill out Pop... they don't know what they're doing" is going to keep Him from dropping a big honkin' space-rock on Los Angeles? Dream on Biblemonkey.

04.20.03 at 2:33 Pacific - Have you heard The Good News? He is risen!

04.19.03 at 12:36 Pacific - Holy shit, this is too bizarre to be real, but I'm pretty sure it is. Happy freakin' Passover.

04.18.03 at 9:10 Pacific - Ayatollah Mohammed Baqir al-Hakim, leader of the Supreme Council of the Islamic Revolution of Iraq is calling for Iraqis to "oppose any sort of foreign domination and support establishment of an Iraqi government that protects freedom, independence and justice for all Iraqis". The Ayatollah's brother - a spokesman for the "Supreme Council" had this to say - "We are looking forward to establishing a democratic Iraqi government chosen by the people themselves." Yeah, uh, right... democratic... like in Iran. I'm sure if these guys get their way, God - as fronted by the Holy Fopdoodle of the Supreme Hoobajooba - will have a few things to say about what's democratic and what's not.
Listen up! Putting some unknowable supreme being in charge is not the basis for a free, independent, and just society. Holy shit in a bundt-pan!

04.17.03 at 8:50 Pacific - Screw drilling in ANWR, let's just turn our shit, garbage, or any other carbon-based waste into oil through TDP - Thermal Depolymerization Process. The process is even being touted by former CIA Director, James Woolsey as a way of getting away from reliance on foreign oil. To be fair Woolsey is an advisor to the company that's fronting experimentation with the process, and it's probably not going to reduce greenhouse gases, but it does look like a great way to get rid of alot of waste, including toxic waste. Pretty damned amazing.

04.11.03 at 9:00 Pacific - Nothing beats a harmonica playing squirrel - "Where I come from, you don't play the harp like that, you don't get no nuts for the winter."

04.10.03 at 10:01 Pacific - My husband committed genocide in Bosnia and all I got was these lousy breast implants. Yes folks, she's like a combination of Brittney Spears and Evita Peron - she's Svetlena "Ceca" Raznatovic, Serbian popstar widow of infamous dead Serbian warlord, mobster, and convicted war-criminal - Zeljko "Arkan" Raznatovic. When I read about just how much the former Serbian government, the mob, and pop-culture industry were in bed together, I'm amazed that there were actually people like Zoran Djindjic who were brave enough to challenge that kind of brutal power structure. In the search for the assassins of Djindic, police have turned up the body of Ivan Stambolic, who was the best man at the wedding of Slobodan Milosevic, who if you've been living in a shoebox is currently on trial for crimes against humanity. It appears that when Stambolic, serving as the Serbian President, was approached to be a potential political rival of Milosevic in the upcoming election of 2000, he was picked up while jogging by some of Slobo's special police unit buddies who gave him the old 9mm shampoo and buried the resulting corpse. Milosevic's better half, Marjana Markovic has been implicated in this killing and is now the subject of an arrest warrant issued by the Serbian government. She is rumored to be hiding in Russia with her son Marko Milosevic, who has been on the run from Serbian police since 2000. What a family, I tell you. If they did order the assassination of Djindjic it sure as fuck backfired on them. Of course they probably won't have too bad of a life except for not being able to set foot outside Russia. They could probably safely vacation in the Bosnian Serb Republic, considering their former buddies Radovan Karadzic and Ratko Mladic aren't having too tough a time avoiding arrest by UN peacekeepers assigned to that area.

04.08.03 at 8:52 Pacific - I was going to simply present to you a post regarding an editiorial from a leading arabic newspaper criticizing the Arab media's war coverage, but I'm always interested in where I'm getting my news so I decided to check out the background on the institute providing the article with translations of the editiorial. The institute in question is MEMRI, the Middle East Media Research Institute. MEMRI's stated purpose is to bridge "the language gap which exists between the West and the Middle East, providing timely translations of Arabic, Farsi, and Hebrew media, as well as original analysis of political, ideological, intellectual, social, cultural, and religious trends in the Middle East". I've been reading MEMRI for awhile and have noticed a troubling trend in it presenting some of the more inflammatory material coming out of the Arab media. A brief background check reveals that MEMRI is headed by a former Col. in the Israeli army, and is endorsed by a number of individuals and groups with a pro-Zionist bias. They have unsuprisingly been criticized for this by various media sources, although most of those sources themselves have a pretty obvious anti-Israeli, anti-American bias. In searching for criticism of MEMRI I only found one critique that could actually be call unbiased. So who is telling the truth when you're dealing with bias on both sides? In this case it's not really a matter of truth - it's a matter of providing accurate translations. None of MEMRI's critics have accused it of mistranslating articles - their objections are to the articles that are being translated*. This leads me back to the editorial by Abd Al-Rahman Al-Rashed, editor-in-chief of the London-based Saudi-owned daily Al-Sharq Al-Awsat - a man probably not a Zionist agent provocateur. In it Al-Rashed criticizes Arab media for publishing "stories reminiscent of the adventures of Sindibad, such as the story about the one farmer who downed an Apache helicopter with an old rifle." instead of unbiased news. He later compares western media to Arab media - "In the West, journalists are not satisfied with listening. They probe, express opposing opinions and expose lies. In our media, anything [the Iraqi Information Minister] Al-Sahhaf says is broadcast as if he was a Friday preacher in a mosque…" It's a really interesting article and is worth reading in it's entirety.

04.07.03 at 8:30 Pacific - I really hoped that the Presidential Prayer Team for Kids was a joke, but initial research - i.e. looking at it while shaking my head in disbelief, then bashing it into a wall - leads me to believe that it is genuine. I especially like the part about faithful animals helping us fight the war. "Timmy, pray for K-Dog the dolphin to help us find mines, but don't start believing that animals have souls, because that would make you like one of those heathen Hindus, and then God will hate you, and you'll burn in hell with Gandhi."

04.06.03 at 20:55 Pacific - I had a strange craving for airline food this afternoon. No kidding, I love the vegan meal on Continental Airlines - the little corn kernal-studded tamale, the unidentifiable grain patty with tiny fried potatoes swimming in red sauce. While I'm on the subject check out these prepared japanese kid's meals in the shape of adorable Sanrio and Pokemon characters. Mmmmmm... Pikachu head on rice.

04.04.03 at 8:19 Pacific - Have you noticed how the closer we get to Baghdad the more the Iraqi regime looks like the drunk shirtless guy who lost his job at the mill and is now holed up in his ex-wife's trailer - "Y'all better not try to come in here, I might commit a non-conventional, not necessarily military act!"?

04.03.03 at 15:59 Pacific - Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up and see the Amazing Colossal Squid of the Antarctic!!! Watch yer fingers and toes ladies and gents! The beast has razor sharp hooks on its tentacles and a beak that can bite yer head off like some kind of giant horrifying toenail clipper-like force of nature! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Only one thin dime for a peek at this shocking terror of the deep!

04.02.03 at 11:33 Pacific - He writes one of my favorite blogs (can't believe I've used that word two times in a row), has alot of good ideas, and he's running for president - Mr Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of the 108th Congress, distinguished guests, my fellow Americans - I present to you - The Poor Man.
Along similar lines I've just written my second letter to the editor ever. Having alot of free time is turning me into one of those crusty old bastard who has to point out what a fucking moron every other crusty old bastard who writes letters to the editor is. Some idiot just had a letter printed claiming Thomas Jefferson didn't mean all those other god-heads when he was talking about religious freedom, just the Christian ones. He's about to have an Age of Reason ass-whuppin' dropped on him.

04.02.03 at 9:30 Pacific - Blogging is really hitting the mainstream - there are blogging classes at colleges, books on blogging, and perhaps most importantly, increasing news articles and stories on television about the revolutionary impact blogging is having on journalism. This is all good for our hit counters, but before we members of the "blogosphere" begin congratulating ourselves, lets not forget what Tertullian said in his Apologeticum - when a Roman emperor was presented to the citizens in his triumphal procession, a slave stood behind him holding a golden crown over his head and whispering in his ear "Opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one and they all stink."*

*Apparently MEMRI has been ignoring the popular weekly "Up With Jews" syndicated column that appears in most Arab newspapers.

* The slave really said "Respice post te, hominem memento te", which loosely translates as "All glory is fleeting", or to paraphrase as "Yeah, you're hot shit now, but your Praetorian Guard could chop you up into fish food tomorrow while you're walking throught the stables, so don't let it go to your head." Either way you get what I'm saying, or if you don't you should probably confine your web browsing to badly Photoshopped "nude photos" of Britney Spears or monster truck fansites.


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