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Mr. T's Socratic Dialogue and Ass-whuppin'

The Saint Morphine Archive


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Satan's Left Nut


5.11.2004 at 09:30 Pacific - Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd 

I love me the hell out of some pork rinds. Leastways I did back when I ate dead animal. But Sweet Blessed Huitzilopochtli In A Raincoat, this is just plain wrong.

What the hell is these peoples' major malfunction?

Notice too the relation to my favorite object of hate, the Atkins Diet. Speaking of which my wife gave me the 411 on why milk prices have gone through the roof. Dairy farmers have been reducing their herds, supposedly due to lowered demand over the last few years. Now that Atkins has upped the demand there just ain't enough milk to go around.

Notice the emphasis on the word "supposedly" above. This is because unconfimed rumor is that some dairy farmers had been selling off some of their herd for slaughter. Why? Because of the high demand for meat due to... wait for it... the Atkins Diet.

You'd think from all this I really hate Dr. Atkins himself. But there's where you'd be wrong. No. The maddening thing about the Atkins diet is my security in the knowledge that at least half the people - and I'm probably being generous - on the Atkins Diet aren't even following it correctly, so they're probably just getting fatter because they're eating steak, heavy cream, and sugar-free chocolate dipped pork rinds. See, it's a pretty complicated diet to follow, and I'm just not confident that most of the 17.2 percent of Americans on low carb diets are capable of bagging their own fucking groceries, much less adhering to a strict diet regimen.

So in conclusion, fuck you 9.6 percent of America, and your stupid ass diet.

Current Mood - "Oh, will I be the G that I was?"
Currently Listening To - Snoop Dogg, "Murder Was the Case."

5.10.2004 at 15:02 Pacific - Who's Your Daddy! 

Today it was announced by the St. Louis Zoo that Merah, one of the zoo's female orangutans - despite being on a regimen of birth control pills - is pregnant. And zoo officials are uncertain who the father is.

Wait a minute... Westminster College isn't that far from St. Louis. Hmmm... Some things are starting to make sense now.

Far be it from me to suggest that the Vice President might have engaged in some good orangutan lovin', but he is from Wyoming after all.

Current Mood - Ape Must Not Kill Ape.
Currently Listening To - Sir Mix-A-Lot, "You Can't Slip."

Just In Time For Mothers Day 

Guess what Spanky?
Today is
Clean Up Your Room Day. So why don't you celebrate it by taking your little monkey ass, and cleanin' up your freakin' room before I hast to lay five o' these acrost yo' lips.

Current Mood - Redd Foxx-like.
Currently Listening To - Public Enemy, "Fight the Power".


Ever wondered why Sea Monkeys have never advanced beyond the primitive aquatic hominid phase? That's because in their natural habitat they have to contend with getting their asses eaten by Aquasaurs!
These are pretty damn cool item from the "Live Habitat" line at Uncle Milton Toys. Sure they look cute and all, but what's really in the "food" that comes with your Aquasar Habitat?

That's right people - "SOYLENT GREEN IS SEA MONKEYS!!!"

Current Mood - Caffeinated up the yin-yang.
Currently Listening To - Soundgarden, "Blow Up the Outside World."

5.9.2004 at 08:02 Pacific - George Harrison, Meet Denis Diderot 

If you're a knowledge geek, like me, you'll enjoy the Banglapedia, the National Encyclopedia of Bangladesh for at least a couple of hours. It's got everything from Abahattha to Zoonosis.

What I really need is a wireless laptop for sitting on the crapper.

Current Mood - Simmered in a nice coconut curry.
Currently Listening To - Diamanda Galas, "See That My Grave Is Kept Clean".

My People Knew It As Maize, Until A Race Of Genetically Engineered Supermen Wiped Us Out 

I hated the fucking Atkins diet before. Just eat sensibly and exercise, people. But noooooooooooo! Now we're genetically modifying plants to conform to our stupid ass diet crazes.

Please, God. Give us what we got coming. An asteroid the size of Texas, right here, square on the jaw. Killing each other for the last can of dog food and subsisting on a diet of cockroach shit will keep us nice and trim AND we won't be tempted to tinker with Your... er, Thy creations. Go ahead You fucking pussy. I dare You. Amen.

Current Mood - Nihilistic.
Currently Listening To - Debussy, "Claire de Lune".

5.7.2004 at 17:55 Pacific - Give Me The Bat Wendy... 

Just in case you, like me, missed it the first time before the host server was overwhelmed -

The Shining... in 30 seconds... acted out by bunnies.

Current Mood - Redrum
Currently Listening To - "All work and no play makes Cleetus a dull boy."

Hot Anne Coulter Clones Are Waiting For Your Call! 

Where do the bloodless reptiles who seemingly make up the majority of active Republican Party membership go to find another herpitoid Ditto-head to breed with? SingleRepublican.com, baby!

Actually, I take it back. I like some Republicans.

No. Wait. They have a Rush quote on the frontpage. I guess I don't take it back.

Current Mood - Just jealous because I'm a crazy liberal.
Currently Listening To - nothing.

5.3.2004 at 17:00 Pacific - Tanks A Lot 

This never made the "real news", but since it's in the Army Times I'm assuming it's true. On August 28th last year, "something" punched through the skirt of an M1A1 Abrams tank in Iraq, continued into the crew compartment, knocking out enough critical components to bring the tank to a halt and creating enough heat to activate the Halon systempassed through the gunner's seatback, grazed the gunner's flak jacket and came to rest in the opposite hull after boring a 1 and 1/2 to 2 inch deep hole.

Holy shit! Nobody knows what the "something" was, and now nobody is talking about it. I'm betting on time-travelling Islamic fanatics from the future.

Current Mood - I's leavin' the booth smellin like burberry cologne
Currently Listening To - Missy Elliot, "Gossip Folk".